Who the hell am I

Notes before reading:

Stop reading if you feel bad and I’m sorry if you ever do feel bad.

Hello, my name is E and I’m AMAB (assigned male at birth). One could use term MTF (male-to-female) but some people dislike it. It also assumes the “final” gender, which in reality may simply be neither female nor male. Or be both. Compare: “assigned male at birth by a look at the genitals” with “male becomes female”. I like the former, some prefer the latter. It’s all about how one sees their own experience. And everyone’s experience is different.

A woman

UPDATE: am I a non-binary?

I am one. It’s not that I associate with women, no. I am really a woman, and was one all my life. When doctors see a newborn with a penis they usually go like “a boy!”, when they see a vagina they are like “a girl!”. Sometimes it’s hard or impossible for them to tell what they see, and I’d be happy if they would go like “a newborn!” in any of these three circumstances, but it seems people care a lot about genitals, so there are cases when doctors will “try to fix” intersex people, “adjusting” their anatomy without their consent. It will end someday, fortunately.

Anyway, I am not intersex (I think) but my mother would later tell me that people seeing me as a newborn would say that I’d be such a beautiful girl if only not my nose. Haha, guess what…

So why do I believe I’m a woman if I maybe “don’t look like one”? Like there is a standard.

Why do I believe I’m a woman if I “have a penis”? That sounds like having a certain look of an organ implies some significant difference between sexes. What if my dick disappears all of a sudden, would that mean I’ll be more accepted? You won’t believe, I will be, by some people. But, some women have dicks, just deal with it.

Also, some men have vaginas, just deal with it. And so on, genitals do not define. Stop concentrating on these if you do.

How can I be called a “woman” if I “experienced male privilege at least once”? Probably I did, yeah, by someone making a favor just because I looked manly enough? But let’s be clear that was never my intention. In fact, it’s as traumatising as “of course you can, you’re A MAN”. No thanks.

I’m not a “man who wants to look female in order to invade women’ safe spaces for committing rapes” as some TERFs (trans exclusionary radical feminists) would probably say. I am a lesbian, but oh come on, really? That doesn’t sound like the best way. Conspiracies…

Now, how did I know I am a woman? Disclaimer: that wasn’t just waking up one day and saying to myself: “oh, ok”.

Early childhood

Since the earliest childhood my brain would tell me “something is wrong here” and “I feel weird about it”. I didn’t get why boys liked or expressed certain things. I felt like not being in the right group, whatever the set of people where in if they were boys. Not that I suddenly went dressing girly and engaging only with my girl friends. But I really liked playing dolls with my sister. Role playing, too. We were “changing genders” by first playing as two girls, then two boys so that everyone was “satisfied” rather than one of us being “forced” to present as a specific gender all the time. That was a bit weird, but I really liked to “play” as a girl. It always felt good, confirmatory in some way. After some time we stopped playing “boys” and since then only went as “girls”.

See? Children are better at genders. Grown ups are still pretty bad.

Puberty

Oh girl that was shit. Hair, voice, face, skin. That’s where I start to hate it all the first time. I try to get feminine voice by eating raw eggs. It doesn’t help. Singing in high pitch doesn’t either. I’m shaving a bit on my arms and legs and then realize boys in my class would notice and make fun of me, so I stop. God dammit, mom and dad, I want long hair. They won’t ever let me. “Are you a girl or what?”. Note there is no internet in the area at the time, whatsoever. I have no idea why I’m doing all this. There is no one to ask.

Every time I’m about to take a shower I look in the mirror and see a girl. Small (but pretty) boobs, nice ass, curvy waist (yeah, I actually have one and I love it). But the face doesn’t look that great anymore. And that thing… I just hide it between my legs before staring in the mirror any other such time.

When I got my first PC, I started playing computer games like crazy. I’d pick up a female character if that was possible. It just felt right. I mostly played first person shooters, meaning I wouldn’t even see my in-game character, but somehow it still mattered a lot.

Computers provided me with a comfortable virtual world which, I think now, made me escape the reality a bit too much.

School

Being at home alone I could do whatever, but outside I had to adjust to “the norm” and the environment I was in most of my time — the school. The biggest fear I had is someone seeing my naked body.

There are separate changing rooms for boys and girls. I felt extremely anxious going there any time. My solution was simple — put on the “sporty” clothes under the general ones. It was a bit more warm but at least no one saw my “boobs”, waist and ass.

There are no separate cabins in toilets, so I was just making sure there was no one inside. If there was someone, I’d wash my hands until the person would leave. If that didn’t work I’d leave. I was pretty much dehydrated all the time since that was a great way to reduce the frequency of visiting the toilet.

“Acting like a girl” slipped through quite a few times in school and I was really happy no one tried to beat me up, but also understood it was too dangerous to continue when I saw how someone basically doing this all the time is being treated by their classmates. Hopefully they are fine now.

University

The capital. Way less toxic environment. Starting to grow out hair only to realize I’m also starting to get widow’s peak. Welcome to the Club of the Receding Harlines. This is just the worst… Trying to get along with girls (romantically) but it doesn’t feel right. Like I’m doing something completely different, no idea. Being in a group of male students feels extremely unsafe for whatever reason.

I join an online forum under a girl identity and keep it active for a year or two. People lose interest when they find out I’m “not really a girl”.

Watching any movie I always compare and associate myself with women in that movie. I have no favorite character who is a male, ever. I really like when a woman in a movie can “solve problems on her own” without a man “saving her”. Too bad not many movies are like that.

Every night I get into bed I pray (not as a christian) to “become a girl in the morning”. My eyes make pillows wet quite a lot since obviously praying doesn’t work no matter how (or which kind of god) I try.

I think about pregnancy and how it would be great for me to give birth to a baby. Why…

Very often I see dreams of being a woman. With a feminine voice, with a body of a woman, with long hair. Doing the usual stuff, nothing weird. I’m really greatful I have these. The morning after that is just amazing, always. I’m the happiest person in the world because of that experience.

Nowadays memories of them make me feel warm inside first, but then I weep.

Work

I’m sad. I’m always sad and depressed. I tell my team mates I’m a lesbian, they laugh of that great sparkling joke but deep inside I know it’s not funny since it’s not a fucking joke. I just still can’t tell what the hell is wrong with me.

I have internet, I just never get to search for my experience. I see a whole episode on TV “about transsexuals”, in which only AMABs are shown, not a single one asked about her experience, but instead a narrative voice reading something like “look, it’s all sad” and “man wanted to be a woman”. To me it doesn’t sound like my experience at the time.

One time I smoke weed with my friends at one’s apartment and then me and another one decide we absolutely need to put on some clothes that our friends’ girfriend left there. Oh god it feels so affirming. I love how that cardigan sits on me. That’s also the time I learn this word. Shoes are too small though.

I wish I’d be a girl. All I have instead is long hair and a big nose. My future wife likes that though.

Marriage

Repression of thoughts. I convince and assure myself of insanity and weirdness. It’s just a phase, I just need to marry her and finally I’ll be a “real man”.

Now, I’m not going to write a lot apart from telling what many other transgender people would tell me if only I would know where to ask back then: IT DOESN’T FUCKING HELP.

We moved to Stockholm, Sweden, in 2011.

Our marriage was good, bad and everything, and it ended. But as I mentioned before, it didn’t help.

Depression

Beginning of 2016, I go to the emergency room regarding suicidal thoughts and depression. I get proper treatment. I start to feel something again. It just gets better slowly.

Book

9th of July, 2016. I’m reading Sarah Waters’ “Fingersmith”. Saying it’s a “crime novel with lesbians in it” is much of an understatement of how amazing this book really is, but that’s not the point. It makes me remember of all the things written above, everything at once, like a blast right into my forehead. I cry and can’t sleep this night.

That’s the day I understand there needs to be some other path. I find it later just googling something stupid like “man wants to become a woman” and going to a Wikipedia article.

Yes, it’s hard to imagine up until now I didn’t really understand what “transgender” really is and, most important, that I am transgender as well. It took a few months of constant reading, watching videos and thinking before being sure that’s the path I choose.

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