Emotional and psychological effects of being on HRT
Overall, it’s a positive experience. But the details are a bit more tricky.
Sad things first.
I can start crying just by thinking of either how I cried at some point before, or by talking about things that are sad. Before it was really easy to block any kind of emotion except anger. I’d get angry fast and easy, but never the other way around. Now it’s changing: instead of being angry in specific situations I become more sad.
Being “lonely and unloved” may cause some crying too.
There is nothing wrong with crying, it’s just that it’s really hard to have a control over it just as before.
Ok, down with sadness.
Empathy. I longed for it to come back after losing it to my depression. It returns slowly and I start seeing it. It’s like I don’t have to emulate feelings and act to express them anymore. I just have them, just need to be open and express them. There is still this bad habit of hiding them though, from before I lost them, but I’m working on it.
Giggling and laughing. It becomes too easy to start giggling. Things that never seemed funny sometimes make me burst in laugh. It can be quite hard to stop it. Oh well, I’m not even trying. I like it.
Calm. A sense of things getting slower and less bothering. Things are way less stressful. I had to force myself out of the apartment before, it’s more like a thing I actually want to do now. Talking to new people? So much anxiety a month back, now when I expect to have it again… Just doesn’t happen.
Being tired. I think it relates to the initial phase of HRT and gets better over time, but right now I feel tired all the time. It’s weird since I think more things get done than before, and that feeling of being tired does not have this kinda dark veil over it. I’m just tired, not dying.
Relaxing is more easy. I’d sit with a laptop on my lap all the way up to 1AM, easily, trying to force myself into doing something, anything. Now it’s like “fuck it, I’m tired; sleeeeeeep” at 9PM. And then I’ll sleep until 7AM.
Sometimes I just sit in a chair with my eyes closed. Not doing anything, not thinking of anything. Just sitting.
I don’t “walk fast” as much as before. I can walk slowly, not pressuring myself.
Still a lesbian, still no any kind of attraction to men. Some people report change in their sexuality because of HRT. I don’t know how much time it usually takes, or what the chances are, but mine is still exactly the same.
It all might sound weird to some people, like “WTF, what was your problem”. I don’t know and don’t care really. It’s getting better and that’s enough for me.